Understanding Mind-Games

Mind games

Motivations

  • Want something without being explicit.

  • Test loyalties, withhold info, play people against each other for leverage.

  • Hide behind plausible deniability.

Forms

  • Lying - gaslighting, inconsistency. Bypassing accountability.

  • Withholding information and then redirect blame (“I thought you knew…”). Sabotage credibility.

  • Grooming alliances to gain information, flattery for favours.

  • Riding coattails - shared ownership of something you created.

  • Triangulation - reference what “some people” allegedly said. Divide-and-conquer.

  • Fishing for sensitive information but downplay the seriousness (“Just curious…”). Information-gathering for leverage. Trap you into saying something that could be used against you.

  • Passive-aggressive (joke-masked criticisms or backhanded praise). Power play. Compliment in public but undermine in private.

Actions

  • Stay respectful, but firm and clear.

  • Use reflective questions to slow the conversation (“Why do you ask?”).

  • Build quiet alliances with genuinely trustworthy peers.

  • Watch for patterns, not isolated moments.

  • Document interactions when stakes are high.

  • Keep critical conversations in writing.

  • Limit sharing non-work stuff.

Undesired behaviour

Characteristics

  • Lack of training, emotional self-awareness, or stress.

  • Not malicious - just not well-managed.

  • Fixable if willing.

Examples

  • Interrupting due to enthusiasm or poor listening.

  • Being passive out of fear, not strategy.

  • Being too blunt due to poor emotional intelligence.

  • Withdrawing in meetings because they’re unsure of their role.

  • Not following through due to bad prioritization or overwhelm.

Actions

  • Be direct but empathetic: “I noticed X - can we talk about what’s behind it?”

  • Give clarity, mentorship, set expectations.

  • Model better behavior.

  • Don’t label someone a “politician” unless patterns truly show intent.

Important

How to tell them apart? Try to understand their motivation. If YES to 3+, likely mind game.

Note

  • Is this person playing with information?

  • Do they say one thing and do another - repeatedly?

  • Do they seem more focused on perception than results?

  • Do they create confusion around responsibility or accountability?

  • If I give feedback, do they adjust - or deflect and blame?

Important

  • Avoid mind games by being grounded, clear, and consistent.

  • Reduce undesired behaviors in myself and others through awareness, communication, setting expectations, and patience.

Desired behaviour

  • Leadership viewpoint

    • Clear communicator - simplify complex things without sounding superior.

    • Honest - even when uncomfortable.

    • Credible - estimate reasonably, deliver what’s promised, own mistakes.

    • Proactive - spot problems early, solve, take initiative.

    • Growth mindset - open to feedback, always learning.

    • Calm - under pressure.

  • Peer Viewpoint

    • Predictable; people don’t have to “walk on eggshells.”

    • Respectful of time, space, differences.

    • Approachable, even when busy or stressed.

    • Collaborative - share ideas, listen, work with rather than around others.

    • Non-defensive - can disagree without escalating.